Somebody’s Sleeping in my Bed, it’s not Just a Dru Hill Song; The Steps I Took to get my 7 Year Old to Sleep in his bed all Night

A month ago, my husband Jermaine went out of town to visit his parents for the weekend. It would be the first time since the pandemic that we would not be sleeping in the same bed. To be quite honest, I was a little excited. Don’t get me wrong, my favorite thing to do at the end of the night is to climb in my bed with my husband. It’s kind of like a home base for both of us. However, pre-pandemic we both traveled for a living and were afforded the opportunity to sleep on our own, stretch out like a starfish, and not be disturbed by the other’s nighttime bathroom treks. I was looking forward to this.

On the first night that my husband was gone, I got in bed and was luxuriating with my space and the remote, when I heard the familiar pitter-patter of Chiefton’s 7-year-old size 5 feet stomping down the hall, blanket in tow. My son arrived at my bedside with his usual “let me in” stance and I was instantly annoyed. This is the part I forgot about. His nightly treks from his bed to ours in the middle of the night was somewhat of a ritual at this point but on this night, I had reached my breaking point with it.

As parents, we know how it goes. Kid in the bed, foot in the back, slap in the face, a family-made letter H, with the kid as the dash. It’s uncomfortable sleeping with kids and it’s f*&%ing uncomfortable! There, I said it. But we do it, we allow it, we go along with it for a number of reasons but primarily because it gives our children comfort. You know what though? Moms and Dads have a right to comfort as well. We should have the right to sleep in our marital bed without the little martial arts masters kiai-ing us in the head whilst we slumber.

Though I let him in the bed, that night I made a decision that I wanted to begin to break this cycle and it would need to start immediately. I began googling ways to get your older children to sleep in their beds. So often, the information on this topic caters to toddlers and children under the age of 5. I came across The Goodnight Worry Program for Bedtime Fears, an article written by neuropsychologist Dr. David O’Grady, that tackles, the fears of older children and why they don’t feel comfortable in their own space. While reading this at midnight with my child in my bed, I came to the realization that though my son had fears about sleeping in his room my husband and I were not actually addressing those fears. We were basically serving as enablers and encouraging this behavior to continue.

The major mistake we were making every night, is that we would “put him to sleep.” Meaning one of us would lay there with him until he fell asleep and then leave. This was a big no-no. Dr. O’Grady, encourages parents to use the “back in 10” rule, where you return to their bedroom every 10 minutes to check-in, soothe and speak reassuringly for up to 2 minutes but no more. You do this until your child falls asleep and use the clock as a reference, not your child’s crying or calling out.

On the first night of trying the program, I felt nervous because it’s not like we hadn’t tried to do this before but all of the previous attempts failed. We also had allowed this behavior to go on because the lack of sleep he was getting from walking him back to his room in the middle of the night was affecting his ability to focus at school and really just not allowing a good’s night rest for any of us. This is why I knew that it was important to be diligent with this.

So off we went. If you remember, it was just Chiefton and I, as Jermaine was still out of town. Throughout the day, I talked to him about our “new bedtime routine.” He was less than enthused, to say the least but I kept reminding him throughout the day. We have always had a pretty solid bedtime routine, so I stuck to that, shower, pj’s, brush teeth and read. It is recommended that tv and screen time be avoided 1 hour before bed so I adhered to that. I made sure his room felt nice and cozy,  there was water by his bed, that he had his favorite blanket, and he was comfortably tucked in. I chatted with him for a few moments and reminded him that he is my best gift from God and about our new sleeping program. I gave him a kiss and told him I would be back in 10 minutes to check on him. Now in a perfect world, I would’ve been able to moonwalk out of there, he would peacefully fall asleep and all would be well but you and I both know that’s night what happened, so let’s detail it.

Night One:

When I went to walk out, he threw a fit. He began crying and questioning why I was doing this. I kept repeating that I would be back in 10 and that he has to stay in his bed as we discussed. He was hysterical! Every time I went to walk away, he would come too. This was harder than I thought. My son is one of the most respectful, well-mannered kids I know and I’m not biased, it’s a fact. He never disrespects or disobeys his parents or adults but concerning his nighttime fears, he told me off in every way possible and really pulled at my heartstrings. He told me, he’s comfortable with me putting him to sleep because he likes to hug me. He said he loves his family and likes to be close to them. He asked if I remembered the recent Amber Alerts and that people take children! When I tried to gently nudge him back in the bed, he became the hulk and pushed me to the side to get out.   The thing to remember is that you have to remain calm and be reassuring. No yelling and no threats of discipline or punishment if your child isn’t complying. I tried a different approach. I said how about we set a timer, so you know when Mom has to come back. He agreed to that, so I set a 10-minute timer on the iPad and left. In 10 minutes, I returned and he was wide awake, waiting. We did this 3 more times, each time I gave brief reassurance, set the timer, and left.  On my 4th return, he was asleep. I decided to close my door that night, so if he woke up, he would have to knock and not just be able to sneak in my bed and disrupt the process. As it turns out, he knocked during the night but I didn’t hear him, so he went and got back in his bed. I apologized for not hearing him because I do want him to feel like I’m available if he needs me but I was proud that we had night one in the bag.

Night Two:

The early part of night two went smoothly. We didn’t even need to set the iPad timer. He accepted the ten-minute rule and it only took 3 returns before he was asleep. But on this night, when he woke up in the middle of the night, he knocked on my bedroom door until I heard him. When I walked him back to his room, he was once again hysterical, asking why I was doing this to him, it wasn’t fair and pleading for me to stay. As a Mom, this was horrible for me but I knew that if I didn’t stay the course, starting over wasn’t going to be easier. I told him I would be back in 10. He wasn’t hearing that and refused to stay in his bed. I reminded myself, to remain calm and remember the goal. I got him back and bed and said something, that I had to say repeatedly for nights to follow. I kneeled by his bed and said, “Chiefton, this is our new routine. I’m not going to get in your bed to put you to sleep because you are a big boy and you’re not going to get in mine. This is not going to change. You are safe in your house and your room.” I asked him if he wanted me to set the timer for our 10 minutes and he said no but asked if I could turn on his bathroom light. I obliged. It took 5 returns that night, in the middle of the night and while it was as exhausting as having a newborn, the progress was worth it.

Night Three:

Night three was similar to night two but when the middle of the night hysterics started I repeated my speech, “Chiefton this is our new routine…” I think he was over me at that point because he simply said, turn on the [bathroom] light please, turned over and added, I’ll see you in 10. I had to laugh on my way out because it was as though he had dismissed me. It only took one return before he was asleep.

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The nights that followed had their ups and downs. My best friend added both incentive and encouragement by telling Chief that she knew that he would be able to do this and that if he did it until April 1, she would reward him with gold aka a Roblox gift card, so he was definitely trying to get that. I did have to acclimate Jermaine to our new program when he returned from his trip, which proved to be another hurdle. I think Chief thought his Dad would be his get-out-of-jail-free card and Jermaine had to learn that he had to approach this situation with kid gloves and stick to the plan, no matter how tiring it was, so we remained consistent. We started this process on March 5th and I am happy to say, that Chiefton earned his Roblox gift card. He slept in his bed, all of the nights but for one, when there was severe weather in our area and I allowed him in the bed. I was even scared of the thunder and lightning so I  made an exception. He apologized that night for coming into our room, so I know that now this is something that is important to him as well.

We also had a setback when he saw a poster of a zombie, two weeks in and we essentially had to start from the beginning with the reassurance but Jermaine and I have remained steadfast with the program and though he still expects the 10-minute returns and the light to be left on in the bathroom, he starting to ween off of those things as well. Listen, parents, this will not be easy, especially if your child is accustomed to your bed but it is a necessary evil for our own sanity and everyone’s need for a good night’s sleep. This is almost similar to breaking an addiction. You have to do it when you know you will stay consistent, otherwise, the little humans will never take it seriously. Also, we as parents know what needs to be done but as I stated, it has to be done in our time. Don’t let others make you feel less than or question your parenting because your child still sleeps in the bed. My son is a big 7-year-old and people think his size and maturity outweigh the fact that he’s still a little boy. He is my little boy and I did this when it felt right. No one else lives in your home, so you are the final say on when you should nip this in the bud. I encourage you to read the linked article and start this process in your time.

Chiefton and I wish you the best of luck on your sleep journey!