No One was Interested in my Depression and that Actually Helped Me

It’s been an interesting year for me to say the least.  I had surgery on my right foot in January and surgery on my left foot in May. There has also been a persistent chronic pain under my left shoulder for months now, so many months that I actually can’t remember when it began but I’m literally in pain every day. Both the chiropractor and my doctor haven’t been able to determine the source of the pain. As a result of all of these ailments, limited movement and activity level, being on medical leave from work and stress eating, weight gain was inevitable.

I figured out quickly that my weight was becoming an issue and started implicating my usual eating habits for weight loss. Yet there was no weight loss. In fact, it appeared that I was gaining even more weight and my stomach was starting to look like there was an occupant. A pregnancy would have been welcomed. However, I soon found out that I was not with child, I was with fibroid and large ovarian cyst, which embarrassingly gave the appearance of pregnancy.

So here I was facing yet another health ailment, which really sent me into a downward spiral towards depression. I was crying every day and really didn’t want to go out or do anything with the wounded feet, painful back and the big belly. I was becoming quite the recluse.

Now I know that depression can strike hard and fast and wear on your psyche so I thought I’d share my feelings with those closest to me in an effort to get understanding or at the very least be able to divulge the details of my pity party for one.

My husband was silent:

When I told my husband that I was depressed as we laid in bed, there was an eerily long silence after I said it. I almost thought he didn’t hear me but then he responded with, “well I’m here to help you with whatever you need.”

A very generic and politically correct answer in my opinion but on the other hand, I didn’t really know what I wanted him to say or what could have made me feel better at that moment. We talked about it later and he said after thinking about it, he could have offered me more and also asked what I expected of him. Yeah, I still don’t know but at least we both agreed that additional words could have been said.

My friend said I could be fatter:

I am in a group chat with four of my friends. We talk about everything and uplift each other when need be. I thought this would be an ideal place to share my feelings. I told one of my friends in the chat that I was in the “sunken place” because of my weight and other ailments. She then asked if I watch My 600lb Life.

M’aam are you serious right now? She said the lady on the show was eating four pizzas a day after living a horrendous life and that I was fine. I figured if you pit me against that type of circumstance, I guess I should be fine.

My Mom wanted to talk about Margaritaville instead:

My Mom has also been a great beacon of light when I felt like I was drowning. I knew if I told her that I was not feeling like myself, she’d surely have some words of encouragement. I was on the phone with her and dropped it in the conversation ever so delicately. “Mom, I’ve been feeling depressed.” To which she replied, “do you know your aunt is moving to Margaritaville?”

Say what now? Margaritaville? Mom did you hear the words that came out of my mouth!! I would later bring this up again with her and acknowledge that she skated over my feelings. Simply put, my Mom told me that I have too many blessings in my life to have ill feelings or be depressed. While she may have seemed dismissive, she was right and has also randomly popped up at my house a few times to check on me.

My son has other shit to do:

While I’m not going to talk to my four-year-old son about depression, I also can’t expect him to respect it or understand it. I was laying in bed one day and was actually physically ill from the pain of the ovarian cyst. My son walks in and asked for a snack. I told him that I couldn’t walk at that moment. A while later I was sick to my stomach and went to the bathroom. In walks my son as I’m sitting on “the throne” and he says, “oh Mommy you can walk now, may I have my snack please?”

Really? In the grand scheme of things, mothers do get depressed but children don’t really give you the leeway to stay that way for long.  When you recognize that there’s an issue, if the people in your life cannot bring you solace, you should probably seek out professional people who can.

Fortunately, I was able to turn the switch off on depression on my own. I know that the people in my life and those mentioned in this post care for me greatly. While in the moment, I may not have understood the reactions of my friends and family but at the same time, I did not know what I was looking for from them to make me feel better or if anything they said would have truly helped.  Sometimes people don’t know what to do with that kind of information or they think that someone like myself is strong enough to overcome their trials and tribulations. This is how I eventually viewed their reactions. It was as though they thought I was silly for being down on myself for any reason.  Thankfully, I was able to get past it by focusing on my health as a whole, joining a gym, where I  take water fitness classes and just having a positive outlook overall.

I don’t want to make light of any kind of depression though. There are people who are unable to pull themselves out of that dark hole to see the brighter side of anything. They will feel that the dismissal of their words means that they are alone. If you’re reading this,  don’t underestimate anyone’s depression. Don’t think that they are just overreacting or being dramatic and don’t forget to check on your strong friend. They might be the one that needs you the most.